Day 20 - I could feel you today and your voice gave me energy. It forced me to move forward and head out into the world and just be. I was able to go into the grocery store and actually look at people without tearing up. It still amazes me how people tear up when the give me condolences. You had such a profound impact on so many people. I also checked the mail and found so many beautiful cards. People went out of their way to mail a card and touch base. How thoughtful that small act of kindness is. I was also able to spend a few hours with a dear old friend and we actually needed each other today. We shared, told stories and just sat together in the moment. She dearly loved Terry and her stories and her sorrow was comforting for us both.
Day 19 was HELL. I woke up and immediately felt drained and defeated. I pushed through the day forcing myself to eat and drink to only reach out to a friend to say " I am NOT ok". Throughout this whole process I have valued friendships on a very deep level. How people come to you, hold you, listen to you and have absolutely no expectations in return. Grief is a journey with hills and valleys. It forces you to look deep within to find strength if even for a minute. It has voices that you do not recognize. I talk to him and sit with him. Like he is right here beside me. I walk into his closet and smell his clothes and hold his house coat. I do not want to lose his smell nor hearing his voice. That scares me because I know over time these things will fade and I do not want them to. Yesterday was bad and today was good. If I can go with a 50/50 of that, I will be ok. We as a family will be ok. Forever and Always