Today I took the flowers from your funeral service and gently took all of the pedals off of the roses. I chose white and red ones for your service. Red for our love and white for your ever lasting memory. I want to find a way to preserve them and be able to revisit them.
I woke up feeling restless. I did not sleep well and at one point I had to get up to turn on the lamp because the darkness engulfed me. Grief is the hardest at night. They are long and cold and empty.
Winter seems to be hard too. It is like the world is in survival mode and just pushing though each day. You do not see as many people smiling and everyone is in a hurry to get where they are going. It is cold and the days are short. I wonder if grief is easier in the summer? More sunshine, longer days and more to occupy your mind? I noticed winters were getting harder as I got older anyway.
I did feel you the other night though. I went to bed so very broken and begged God to allow me to feel you, hold you and know you were beside me. I remember waking up and feeling like someone was holding my hand, it was so powerful and intense. I focused on the feeling and even squeezed back. It made my heart race and my breathing was hard to control. I felt your energy and your presence and it was so very comforting but yet, draining, if only for a few moments.
I got the call early this morning that my friends mom did not have long left. I walked into the hospital and into her room where I was the one on the outside, looking at the grief and feeling the heaviness of the silence. It was strange to see that pain, that of which I am feeling; on so many faces.
But it made me realize something
“Life is simply a bridge, one where we only inhabit a physical body for a short time. During that time we have the ability to duplicate our heart, our life and our love.”
I am trying to come to terms with your loss and am working through my deep spiritual beliefs that you are present, you are connected and you are still with me, just not in a physical form. But today, it all seemed to make sense. Your time here was so profound and what you left behind is a strong legacy. It does not take away the pain but it eases just a little bit. You see, the pain is mine; for not having you in front of me to love, to hold, to care for. That is the pain.
I tried to focus on being busy today but I still can't seem to get to my list of things to do. I just can't. It is so strange how hours can go by and you have no idea where they went, they just go. Your mind does not really focus and it seems like one minute goes into the next.
Tomorrow is one month
I look at the days going by and "everyone" says it gets easier. I am sure it does at some point, but not yet. I am unable to focus on work, deal with crowds and commit to anything. I get really drained easily.
But today is the 15th and tomorrow is the 16th. The day when it all started as a normal day to end in sheer pain, anguish and disbelief.
I find it hard to sit alone in the living room to watch TV. I try to do it but you are not there and it feels very dark and alone.
I tried tonight and it starts with your thumb moving, then you find your hand twitching, then your arm. Your breathing changes and then you need to sit up. You find yourself rocking back and forth on the couch. Next comes the anxiety attack and the voice in your head saying "breathe Deanna, just breathe".
Tomorrow I am taking Charlee on a road trip with Greg. We need to meet someone at the trailer and hopefully they will buy it. It is heart wrenching, because that was where you and Sonny Boy slept and hung out. It is like I will be seeing a piece of both of you pulling away. I am trying to not see it that way but unfortunately it is that way. Pieces of both of you.
I am so grateful I am able to feel and see the signs you leave me. It does bring comfort to know you are close by. Now I need to try to figure out tomorrow, next week and the future. It is hard because we had a plan. How does one shift gears to move from that plan and design something new? I always saw us older and sitting on a front porch together. That vision was so very clear.
I am going to start by making a list. You always worked form a list and would get so frustrated that I did not. Well honey, looks like I may need to start because if I do not it seems as though the future, the details and basic day to say things do not get done.
I almost got through the day honey, almost.
Forever & Always