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It's Christmas Day

Leading up to today my heart was heavy. I was having severe waves of sadness but would just breathe in and breathe out to work through the moments. I was literally swallowing my sadness.

As I stood in the shower letting the water fall down on me, my tears flowed and came from deep within my soul. As each tear fell it was a small and gentle memory of us, what is gone and what was never to be.

I thought about last year and how we had no idea it would be the last. What would we have done differently? How would we have made those small moments something bigger? Would it had changed anything?

It has been almost a year since you left, 341 days to be exact. I try to figure out how I will handle day 365, will it be gentle or will be be deep and destructive? Will I remember with fondness or will I be angry?

I really felt that I would be stronger by now, that I would know my road map or would know my purpose. I felt that as each day turned into a month I would get my footing. I did not, I do not and I have no emotional energy to even try. I bury the deep feeling of sadness and regret and tell myself I am ok. I talk to myself a lot and those words at times, are empty and hollow. I miss your voice, your touch and your guidance. I miss every single thing about you and about us. I just fucking miss you.

The kids are having a hard time. We have all drifted apart. I do not have the energy to pull us together. We all lost such a huge part of ourselves when you took your last breath. Pieces of us died with you that day.

This year was the first one in 20 years that you did not make me and us sit down to watch The Sound of Music and we would laugh at you when you cried when they sang Edelweiss.

The small things you never really think you will miss until they are gone.

I hope you are free and feeling deep love in Heaven. We miss you here on earth deeply.

-Forever & Always

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