My Compass

Fall was your favorite time of year. you loved the harvest, the colors and especially Thanksgiving dinner.

I look around and see all of these things but I do not see you.

Today I feel you, I smell you and I miss you.

I am getting ready to close up the camper and lock the door. My heart hurts because this has been my safe haven. I do not know how I will push forward once I lock the door, I do not know what winter will hold and I do not know how I will push forward.

The last couple of weeks have been exceptionally difficult. It has been hard to focus, plan and even move. I find hours go by and I have done nothing but sit there. I have been sleeping to remove myself from the pain. You have been coming to me in my dreams but the messages are unclear and that hurts deeply when I awake.

I feel so torn because a part me me needs to move forward, find love and connection but the other part of me pulls back to live in the past. It is a constant emotional roller coaster.

So much of my future seems to be gone and I can't get the emotional strength to redesign my plan. The kids are stuck too. I have no emotional energy to even give them support that they need. It comes in waves and I can but then I retreat back to my inner sanctuary. It is hard to breathe.

You were literally my compass and without you here I am lost and floating in the sea for of unknowns. The strong version of me seems to be shadowed by the weak and tired version. She is empty, lost and sad. I do not know how to move past this and at times, its terrifying.

This picture came up today in my memories tab on Facebook. It was taken in the fall and Sarah has crawled under the bridge to take it. We were sitting quietly listening to the brook and looking at the fall colors.

You had cleared out a whole path in the woods for us to walk and enjoy. You loved working outside so much.

Charlee is really off today too. She cries and is just not herself. It rips me apart inside because she can't tell me what is wrong. I notice her smelling the air a lot today. I wonder is she smells you? I wonder if she is also grieving with me?

I love you baby, forever and always xx