Nine Months Tomorrow
I have not written for sometime, because I was in a very crazy and dark space. I thought I had things under control but I did not. I thought people coming into my life had the best intentions, they did not. I learned that you are unable to see through the fog when you are grieving. I also learned that the void and loneliness attracts an energy that can be dangerous and unhealthy. You simply trust no one and everyone at the same time.
It has been so very difficult to regain my mental clarity, my intuition and my purpose. The strength it takes each day is not something that can be put into words. You get up and make a coffee then you realize it is four hours later and you have not completed one single task that you had planned. Then the exhaustion of doing nothing takes over and you need to sleep. The only thing that has made me accountable is Charlee. She needs to eat and be walked and is such a source of comfort for me. She seems to just know that mama is not ok.
"I was spinning so fast in circles that it actually created the sense that I was ok, that I was pulling strength from within to move forward and that I was actually moving on. Well, what a load of crap that was!"
The biggest thing that I seem to be struggling with is the fact that my trust and belief in the Universe was shattered. Everything that I believed was fuzzy, my decisions wrong, my faith broken.
You see, I have always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason but it was so hard to wrap my head around situations happening that were not good for me, were not healthy and were a trajectory to more pain and suffering. Why would someone appear in my life at a time of such pain, such loss and deep loneliness?
Why would that person be put there to actually cause more harm, pain and selfishness? This is when I question my intuition and my faith. Why on earth would these kinds of things happen? Then to be in a position of weakness to not be able to fight through the chaos and uncertainty. It just doesn't seem fair does it? However; here we are now, walking out of the fog and seeing truths that were hidden behind pain, guilt and running from feeling grief itself; actually sitting within the pain and feeling it. Yes, in that moment it was heart wrenching but also freeing. I was running towards something that I knew, something that I was comfortable with and something that lacked the need for me to grow and foster who I am becoming. The saddest part was it would have also invalidated my personal beliefs, my passion and my drive. Literally I thankfully avoided a train wreck!
The other thing that is difficult for me to process is my reaction to those that truly loved me. Those that tried "tough love" and I pushed them away. The biggest message here is to step back and realize that you are NOT YOU when you are grieving. When you lose your husband you literally lose who you are. You lose him, your future, your dreams and your aspirations.
When they take their last breathe the loss is insurmountable, empty, terrifying and raw. It is like you actually took your last breathe right along with them.
Then comes the gossip, the judgement and the assumptions.
"Grief survival" is something that is misunderstood. You want to feel again. You want to feel human contact, that hand on your skin, the warmth of a kiss, the feeling of safety and protection. The things that so many times you took for granted are now gone and you realize that those offering you these things are doing so for their own personal gain. It isn't about YOU, it is about them. It isn't healthy and it is emotional destruction.
Then you realize that it is not what you are seeking but you are seeking your husband and you are looking for him in every single person you meet. Unknowingly, selfishly and with pure hidden intent. You do not even realize it. You place every single person that you meet in an unknown and selfish position to "replace" what you have lost.
People tell you "they know grief". So they offer expert advice, criticism and empty words. The thing is they do, but what they know is their own personal journey that is not your journey, is not your pain and is not your void.
Only you can fully understand your pain. Draw strength from it in very small ways every single day. Talk to your self, encourage your self, let the tears flow and hold that bucket to throw up in close, because you will and will continue to until the energy from grief no longer needs to escape. These are your own personal tools in your mental wellness toolbox, that you have to push forward. Use them, honor them and love yourself.