Strength and Energy

Day 15 - you realize the strength and composure you had was exhausting.

You need to try to pull enough courage to go back to work and you can't. Your stomach is in a constant state of nausea so you try to breathe deeply to relax the muscles. You are alone and can now release, release the screaming tears that you have held inside. It's an excruciating hell that you try to function in. People try to get your mind off of it with small talk but the voices in your head are louder. You hear his voice telling you to get up and push forward but grief is like cement. It is heavy and physically painful. You look at papers you need to fill out but the pen will not let you because your hand is shaking. You open the envelope and the paper says "death certificate", like it's an award or something. People move on, the world moves on but.... in your small world, the void left, is simply unimaginable. I miss you, I miss us and I grieve for our future, because the plans are now different. People say "you need to find your new normal". I don't want a new normal! I want you and I want us. I will go out into the world today and I will be kind to my needs. I know you would want that. Forever & Always