The Snow

Today was a better day. Although the sheer exhaustion from yesterday took its toll on me.

I worked through the day and tried to focus on a few things on my list. I did manage to get the kitchen table cleaned off which seems like a relatively HUGE undertaking. I read that painting helps with grief, so I pulled everything out to do that. It did not work and I found it actually stimulated thoughts and pain. So today everything went back into the container and I will revisit that at another time.

Charlee has been acting out with all of the people coming and changes, not too mention she is really missing her daddy. So tonight we headed over to the dog park for a run. We waited until later because it is still difficult to go over the condolences and details again and again. So we wait, wait until it is empty and off we go.

It was snowing gently and there was no wind and it was warm. I stood there and looked up into the sky and watched the clouds hoping to see a sign you were there. Waiting for the clouds to turn into a magical formation where I could see your face. I stood there and opened my mouth and allowed the snow flakes to fall onto my tongue and felt for a moment that they were kisses from Heaven. Charlee sat down beside me and we both looked up at the sky together. She is so intuitive and I know she feels you.

I wondered if when we see each other again if we will look the same? Will you look like you did when I lost you and will be just start off where we left off? Will we sit and talk about the day like we always did or do we run through fields of tall green grass and flowers? It seems like so much to think about. How you are, where you, and if you can see and feel me. It is just a lot!

I left your sweater and a hat on the hook in the porch because it just does not seem right to not have them there. Your slippers are still by the front door and your tooth brush in the holder. I still walk in your closet and smell your clothes. I hate the day where you smell will be gone. I hate the day when I can no longer hear your voice or feel your warm hands on my head. You see its still so new and so fresh but time changes things. I do not want that day to come.

I have so many papers to fill out honey and I can't even pull them from the envelope. A friend told me that doing so will open room for new but I do not want new. I want you.

I am torn between grieving and no longer grieving because it feels like if the pain lessons so does your memory. I never want to lose your memory and it scared me that someday I will.

Today was ok, I pushed through and I loved you.

Forever & Always