I was doing pretty good last week. I decided to finally attack the pile of paperwork that needs to be done. Just opening the envelopes was a challenge because with each paper you must attach a death certificate. I could just not wrap my head around seeing it , holding it and actually facing it.
Its been hard to sleep. I was doing good and then all of a sudden everything changed and I wake up with anxiety attacks and can't breathe. I am going to try to move a few things around and see if that helps at all. It is so strange how we humans become such creatures of habit. When something changes it takes all of our energy to reformat life.
I decided to turn your office into a meditation studio, a sanctuary of sort. I painted the walls a wonderful blue color that just calms the mind as soon as you step in there. I have not taken apart your computer or desk yet, I guess that takes time to wrap my head around. I feel like there needs to be one room in the house that is fresh, new and different. Different from us and our life. Maybe with one room I can focus on other things but I am not ready yet. Not ready to put away your clothes, empty your dresser or put away those pieces of you that were so real and personal.
You had such a connection to your clothes and always said so many pieces held memories for you. I think that is why I am finding it hard to even think about that because they are all personal pieces of you.
Your casual clothes, your suits, ties and all those jackets. How does one remove them from a life? How does one even think about someone else wearing them? I heard of a lady the other day that still has the closet set up and her husband passed away several years ago. I can actually understand that now because it is something that seems so little but its huge!
I have been very angry the past few days. The issue is there is no reason nor a cause. Just deep anger within my soul about the years you suffered, you fought and you were doing so well. Then just like that you are gone? There is no reasoning for me. You were such an incredible warrior and your void left is unimaginable, but yet, here we are.
It is strange how grief inhibits the body. It manifests into your muscles, your cells and your blood. You feel it moving through you. Your muscles hurt and you have constant physical pain. The exhaustion is so hard to describe. You wake up and feel rested and ready to take on the day and then the smallest thing just put you down. Next thing you realize is that you have been quietly sitting in the chair for two hours. No recollection of where the time has gone.
Today it was warm and sunny out. A beautiful pre-spring day. You loved this weather because you always said spring is when everything is new. The new growth, trees, flowers, grass. All from winter and the past is left behind and spring brings forth new beginnings. It was hard today because the new beginnings do not have you in there and that is truly heart wrenching.
I will push forward for our children who miss you dearly. They struggle everyday with the reality that your presence is not here. I am thankful that you were able to instill so much of you in them and I continue to see that everyday.
Love you baby - Forever & Always