I knew today would be hard because I felt it coming for days. It just feels like a deep anger deep within the pit of my soul.
You hated your birthday and every single year I remember you talking about November and how much you hated it. The time change, the cold weather and your birthday. Then December would hit and you would be excited for Christmas and it was like the whole month of November was meaningless.
I have not been sleeping and it seems as though piles of "things" are all around me. There are waves of light and I feel motivated to push forward but the waves of grief are so much bigger and they take over.
I want to write about how amazing you were, your kindness, your smile and your passion. But today, it just hurts too much to even go there.
What I would give to hold you in my arms again, to feel the warmth of your hand on my face and your gentle kiss on my forehead. When you were lying in the hospital I took your hand and held in gently on my face because I knew I would crave it again. I still feel it there but I fear over time that memory will fade and it scares the hell out of me. I hear things like "he is in Heaven and is pain free" or "he is running free with those lost loved ones". It does not make it better nor does it ease the pain. It just does not. It's been ten months since you took your last breath and I took mine with you. I died that day along side of you and I can't get her back. It is draining, actually exhausting. I smile and pretend I am ok but I am sinking in a quicksand that is emotionally and physically impossible to get out of. How can someone love another so deeply that they lose themselves when you die? How can you move past knowing you experienced a true and deep love that you will never feel again? How can you continue on when the other side of your being, your pulse and your passion is gone? We were connected on such a spiritual level and nothing seems to ease that pain and loneliness. Nothing! I have tried to fill that void even though I knew it was wrong. I knew I was broken and it would not be fair to bring another into that space. It is not fair to give yourself to another when you know that what you are giving is broken, voided and empty. A façade of emotion. You made me promise that I would find love again and I always told you that I would not talk about it. How can you even open up to love when what we had was so powerful, deep and connecting? How does one move past that feeling? Today on your birthday I hold space for you in my heart, I let the tears flow and I feel the deep pain and void left deep within the core of my soul. I loved you yesterday, I love you today and I will love you tomorrow. Forever and Always